She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
