did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
