please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It was confusing and full of hummus
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
