I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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