So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
PANTIES FOUND
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