What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
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i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
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Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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