He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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