Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
