maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
