If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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