You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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