at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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