I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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