Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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