A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I have post one night stand depression
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
