phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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