OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
We have started to decorate penises.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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