i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
