Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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