He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
