you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
