before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
