I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You should frame my arrest warrant.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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