I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.