Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
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You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
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In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.