And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
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Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
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If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point