I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball