Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
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there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
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I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.