is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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