I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
