I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
