She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
