The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
