i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Randomize
