I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
