Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's rum buckets o'clock
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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