I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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