I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
