Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
