no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
