Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
