Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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