He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
