i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
