remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
