my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize