Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
