Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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