if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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