im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
