I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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