My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
