GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Randomize
