Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Sober January is a disaster.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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