At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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