I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
