good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
