in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize